Dear John (Kim Jong-un),
It has been great getting to know you. Those threats will always have a special place in my heart. We’ve shared so much – mostly a demilitarized zone. You’re great. Really, you are, but we need to talk.
It’s great that you love basketball. Honestly, it is. We love it, too. What’s not to love about basketball? It’s also awesome that you wanted to bring over an NBA star to share your love of basketball. Here’s the deal, though. You picked the wrong guy.
Dennis Rodman played 911 games in the NBA in a career that spanned 14 seasons. That’s pretty great. The problem is that he does not represent this country or even basketball. Could you not find anyone else who would go to North Korea? Any other basketball player would represent the sport better.
But he did go. It looked like you two had a great time together. You watched some basketball together. North Koreans and Americans playing an exhibition game seems like a great idea for diplomatic relations. I get what you did, but everyone thinks that it was a publicity stunt. The White House denounced Dennis Rodman’s trip. It was probably a good thing, too.
I get that he called you a friend for life. That’s a special sentiment that is never exaggerated. Friends for life are great, especially when you need to watch an exhibition game. Now, this game ended in a tie. That’s a very impressive feat. Really, it is. I don’t know the last basketball game I saw that ended with a tie. I guess that’s because basketball is one of those sports where you really need a winner. If you were trying to say that North Korea is as good as the United States, you really didn’t do a good job. The teams were mixed so it wasn’t a true North Korea vs. United States showdown. I’ll be impressed with a tie if the North Korean national team played the U.S. national team and tied them. Anything less is not up to par.
I do have to ask. Was inviting Rodman really the best thing for you? You want to be taken seriously. Being friends with Rodman is not the way to do that. I know that he makes you look sane, but this is not the image you need. He does not make you look any better. Honestly, I am telling you this for your benefit.
Again, it’s been great getting to know you. I love that we have a love of basketball in common. You’re really great. Thank you so much for helping us get over the Soviets and some recent tensions with Russia. I know you want something more than just an armistice. I guess that’s why you nullified the armistice that ended the Korean War. It’s just that you don’t deserve to be a rebound war for us. I think it would be for the best if we both threaten other countries right now and see how we feel in a few years.
It’s not us. It’s you.