Pre-Game

Before I begin, let me start by stating that I wrote this game diary two blocks away from Black Bears Way. I am baffled and humored that anyone would name a street after an animal with no ties to the area.

The ESPN2 broadcast regales us with video of Ole Miss fans tailgating on “The Grove.” Chandeliers hang from tents, lace decorates tables, and I just have to assume everyone is eating caviar. Thank heavens Ole Miss did away with its on-field rebel mascot, because without it, I cannot possibly picture each and every Ole Miss fan as a rich plantation owner.

The ESPN announcers also remind us that Oxford is the land of Faulkner, as in William Faulkner. This is quite fitting since Alabama is favored by 27 points and will have the Ole Miss football team writing their own “As I Lay Dying” by the end of the third quarter.

1st Quarter

14:00 Now that we are a minute into the game, it is time to give up a 59-yard pass play down to Bama 2-yard line. Hat tip: Will Lowery and Dee Milliner

12:42 Ole Miss scores on a rushing touchdown from one yard. Ole Miss 7, Alabama 0.

At this rate, Ole Miss is slated to lose by 28 points. Right, Florida?

12:38 Girl Observation #1: They have a fat cheerleader. There you have it, folks. Ole Miss is up by seven points on the field and 20 pounds off of it.

12:33 Announcer: AJ McCarron hasn’t thrown a pick in his last five games. He would make it six after this game, countering the complaints of certain sports editors about his gunslinger mentality.

9:45 Girl Observation #2: Why are none of their players smiling in their team photos?

One of the announcer mentions soon after that Ole Miss is riding an 8-game SEC losing streak.

8:25 TOUCHDOWN ALABAMA! Trent Richardson scampers off the left tackle for an 8-yard score. His twelfth rushing touchdown of the year ties the game up at 7-7.

8:15 On Ole Miss’ first play after the ensuing kickoff, Dre Kirkpatrick gets away with pass interference on a long pass. Pure swag, no flag.

6:00 The ESPN announcers could not shut up about Richardson calling Mark Ingram every week. I like to think that Maze calls Javier Arenas every week about how to avoid calling fair catches.

2nd Quarter

14:11 TOUCHDOWN ALABAMA! Trent walks into endzone untouched from seven yards out. Ole Miss wouldn’t have tackled him if they were playing two-hand touch. Trent’s thirteenth touchdown puts Alabama up 14-7.

6:17 Girl Observation #3: Ole Miss does that “jump” celebration thing way too much. “That’s like the third straight time.” They are just happy to be on the field!

1:18 Ole Miss holds on third and short. Bama settles for a field goal, making it 17-7.

1:18 ESPN sideline “reporter” “reports” that Trent and Mark Ingram remain friends and call each other weekly.

Third Quarter

15:00 The ESPN announcers continue their endorsement of Richardson for Heisman by discussing his Emmitt Smith-esque “wide base” running style.

14:14 – 12:45 Bama’s boringly efficient offense begins to wear down the Ole Miss defense.

AJ hits Maze for 10 yards for a first down, AJ hits Richardson for 15 yards for another first down, and then AJ hits Hanks on a blown cover for 36 yards for another first down to the Ole Miss 8 yardline.

12:40 TOUCHDOWN ALABAMA! Richardson gets scraped, but remains mostly untouched for his third touchdown of the game. His 14th rushing touchdown of the season puts Bama up 24-7.

12:23 ESPN will not stop showing workout footage of Trent. I hope the Federal Election Commission doesn’t hand down any campaign violations.

10:45 Ole Miss QB Mackey scrambles for a first down. I guess you could say the biggest weakness of our defense is containing an athletic QB. Our incredible closing speed should scare off any tempted players though.

7:37 TOUCHDOWN ALABAMA!

On the second play after the possession change, Trent Richardson records his Heisman highlight on a 76-yard touchdown run. Richardson capped the run with an inhumane ankle breaker on an Ole Miss defender.

6:44 TOUCHDOWN ALABAMA!

Jalston Fowler subs in for Richardson, only to stroll in for an 8-yard touchdown after stiff-arming a defender into the turf. If you are counting at home, that is 38 straight points by Bama to go up 38-7.

6:38 An ESPN stat box shows that we only allow 39.8 rush yards per game. For a reference, Trent ran for 76 in just one play.

2:09 TOUCHDOWN ALABAMA!

AJ reminds everyone that passing touchdowns do exist as he connects with Brandon Gibson on a 10-yard strike. The score is now 45-7. AJ is 19 of 24 for 224 yards and one touchdown with no interceptions.

4th Quarter

12:52 Ole Miss has a 6 foot 10, 376 pound defensive lineman. Sorry, what? Ole Miss has a Ford F-150 playing defense?

10:10 TOUCHDOWN ALABAMA!

Jalston Fowler goes for 69 yards after blowing through the line. No defender can catch the quick 246 pounder. The 98-yard drive makes the score 52-7.

On the bright side for Ole Miss, they have zero penalties while Bama has had four. It’s the small wins that count.

1:33 Bama lines up in victory formation to end the game. Final score will be Alabama 52 Ole Miss 7.

Girl Observation #4: At least the Ole Miss cheerleaders are happy.